She Wants to Get Him Out of Her Head

Hi, Terry-

I have been struggling to get out of a relationship that is going nowhere with a man who I know in my heart can't commit. I am relocating thousands of miles away, but the situation is killing me.

Trying to move on and let go. Can you help?

-Set Me Free

Dear Set-

Really sorry about this. Great about the physical move, but I don't have to tell you it's critical to get him out of your head, too.

Since we tend to idealize people we're in love with, It will really help to think about habits, traits, speech patterns, or clothing he might have worn that annoyed you. Blow those things up in your mind. Think about them often.

Here's an example: I was crazy in love with this very successful, handsome Wall Street banker. One night we were talking, and it became clear to me that he didn't know that Cairo was the capital of Egypt. For some reason, it bothered me, but I chose to forget about it.

After we broke up, that little detail helped me every time I was on the verge of building him up in my head as the man who could never be replaced. Sure, he wore nice suits, but who doesn't know that Cairo is the capital of Egypt?

Maybe your guy had questionable breath, had a hobby that bugged you, was rude to your friends, or something else. Maybe he wore baseball caps in restaurants (a big peeve of mine). The guy was not perfect. Use that to your advantage. Write down things about him that annoyed you and bring them to mind any time you're tempted to fantasize about him or the relationship.

Also, while I've never used EFT to get over a guy (I did use it to get over the trauma of my mother's death, and the resulting insomnia), I understand it's helpful in getting over a broken heart. Try emofree.com and put 'breakup' or 'broken heart' in the search engine for free info.

WARNING, WARNING:

Even though some people resist commitment, they still want to stay on your radar. If the guy starts texting or calling you 'just to say hi,' and that kind of nonsense, it's in your best interest to discourage that. The sooner you get him off your brain, the freer and happier you'll be.

I hope this helps. Congratulations on your move thousands of miles away!

Very best wishes,
Terry

He Asked Her to Be 'Exclusive,' and Now He's Backing Off

Hi Terry!

I have scored the most perfect Prince Charming ever! The first couple months went great (it was all like you said - HE did everything! Decided for us to become exclusive, even started talking about marriage within the first month of dating) but as with all my relationships - a couple months later (about the 10 month point for this one) and the infatuation phase runs out. I know you say that backing off and giving him space will make him come back on his own and return as someone that wants you to be exclusive with him. But in my situation we're already exclusive! And he's still pulled back! Is there any advice for this? Is this normal?

PLEASE HELP!

-Exclusive

Dear Exclusive-

My heart goes out to you now because obviously you're hurt and confused.

Even though he asked to be exclusive, is it possible that he's come to take you for granted?

In other words, have you given him a reason to take you for granted? Have you ever broken plans with your friends to be with him? Do you call him or text him often? (I don't care if you're a man or a woman; too-frequent contact is a romance killer.) Are you doing too much for him? Making his dinner all the time, picking up his dry cleaning, returning his library books?

If so, you're not making yourself indispensible. You're smothering him.

If this is the case, please do yourself a favor and take a step back. Start filling your time with friends. Go out for drinks for colleagues. Let him be the adult he is and take care of his own laundry, meals, etc. Let him do some things for you. Men like to do things for women. They enjoy giving things to women. If you've taken those particular life's pleasures from him, please stop.

If you back off for a while, and he steps forward again, remember this: Being an exclusive couple is great, but your boyfriend was attracted to you because of YOU-- who you are, what you do, how you think, what makes you laugh, and so on. If you allow yourself to be half of a couple instead of a full person in a dynamic, loving relationship, you lose yourself.

And he loses you,

Without a complete picture of your relationship, my best suggestion is to return to being the full woman the man fell in love with; if you have any preconceived notions about how a full-time girlfriend is to behave (aside from kindly, honestly, and faithfully), please drop them.

Be the girl you used to be.

Good luck.

Terry

Is This It? She Wants to Feel More of an Attraction

Dear Terry,

You are so incredibly sweet and sound so genuine. I truly appreciate how much care and dedication you put in your writing. I wish you all the succcess in the world!

I have a question which I'm sure you have an answer for. You see, I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man! I love him dearly. He has so many wonderful qualities, not to mention being an excellent cook and musician. I know you always tell us "not to settle," which is excellent advice, and I don't think I'm necessarily settling in this instance (although I could be wrong), but one question pops up in my mind which I've been concerned about.

I have used the law of attraction to attract my honey; however, in that process I didn't always feel a surge of romantic passion emerge. Since God has blessed me with this wonderful person, my attraction towards him has grown considerably; however, it's weak in comparison to the attraction I've felt towards men who haven't treated me nicely in the past.

Do I have this relative feeling of low romance towards him because of my own insecurities? I think that I'm going through a transition phase at the moment, hence why I was able to attract this great guy into my life, but what I need to work on is loving myself more. In that case, do you think my attraction towards who I think is Mr. Right will continue to grow? I feel so silly for asking this since it seems like I've already figured it out but I just want a confirmation from someone who seems to have her act together in this area.

Also, do you have any suggestions, or is wanting to feel greater attraction for your significant other an act of settling? Though I don't think it is, any help on this matter is greatly appreciated. Also, I really do want to make this relationship work because I believe it's the right thing to do-we both share the same aspirations, attitude towards life, and like I said I do love him dearly. It's just that I want to feel a greater depth of attraction!

-Confused

Dear Confused:

Thanks for the extremely kind words.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your attraction to men who didn't-- or don't-- treat you well. In a lot of cases, women do find themselves drawn to substandard men because they suffer from low self-esteem. Other women suffer from plain old fear of commitment. They dig bad boys because on a subconscious level, they know they'll never have to look at him every day for the rest of their lives.

So, now you have a happy relationship with a man with whom you have a lot in common. He treats you well. You love him. But still you have this nagging feeling: Is this all there is? And why am I still thinking about So-and-So?

Let me be clear about settling. I wouldn't settle for a man who doesn't love me. I wouldn't settle for a man I don't love. I wouldn't settle for a man to whom I'm attracted but mistreats me.

If you love this guy, and he loves you, and your attraction is growing, keep going. See where you're headed. It's not settling.

But ask yourself if you'd like him better if he treated you worse. Really think about this. You certainly wouldn't be the first person saddled with the I-Refuse-to-Join-Any-Club-That-Would-Have-Me-as-a-Member Syndrome.

If you decide you suffer from it, do this: Imagine yourself married to one of the yo-yos you mistreated you. Bring to mind all the things you did not like about him (you know, the ones we conveniently forget when we're in the throes of a pleasant memory). Perhaps he used to go around with hair coming out of his ears, or he liked to make up his own words. Or something. You get the idea.

How would you like waking up to that for the rest of your life? Or going to bed wondering if he and his hairy ears are ever coming home?

If you decide you don't suffer from the I-Refuse Syndrome, ask yourself if you harbor reservations about long-term relationships or marriage. A lot of us do and don't even realize it. We just walk around wondering why we keep being attracted to unsuitable guys.

Ask yourself, "What would marriage look like on a day-to-day basis?" This'll help you figure out if you fear ending up horribly bored, abused, or a miserable chain-smoker in track pants like Aunt Louise. Do some digging to root out any nagging concerns that could be distracting you from your current relationship.

Examine the horrifying scenarios you come up with, and then ask yourself, "Is something like this guaranteed to happen? Can something better happen? What would it be?" And focus on that. Some people are happily married all their lives. Is it possible that you and this fellow could be two of those people?

Finally, you say that your attraction is growing for him. So give it time. What's the rush? Maybe your attraction for him will keep growing. Or maybe you'll decide that he'd make a great friend, and your relationship will turn out to be a dress rehearsal for something else.

Again, give it time. By all means, work on loving yourself more. (And if we all work on being more loving in general, the world will be a better place.)

Take your relationship day by day. Enjoy it. Let it become what it will be. Above all, stop worrying so much about it.

Have fun.

-Terry

She Wants a Commitment

Dear Terry:

I'm a 50 year old single woman (who looks and acts 35!) and have been "seeing" a man 13 years younger than myself. He lives in another part of the state. We have been seeing each other for 5 1/2 years now, and he shows no signs of wanting a committed relationship.

He says he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, but that he loves my company, and that it would break his heart if I stopped seeing him. When we first started seeing each other, he used to tell me he loved me all the time, but he doesn't say it anymore. As you can tell, I have been 5 and 1/2 years patient. He is a kind and gentle man and very intelligent, which is a big turn on to me, not to mention the passion we have in the intimate department.

We call each other every two weeks or so, and visit each other once a month, more or less. Sometimes I want to tell him "I can't see you any more because I deserve to be loved by someone who loves me just as much or more than I love them....", but I feel like there is no one else out there for me. I go out dancing almost every week end with friends (love to country western dance!) but have not met any one worth giving time to. Any advice?

-Dancer

Dear Dancer:

You do deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love him, but there's no point in telling it to the guy you're seeing now.

If you've been with me for a while, you know I believe (from my own experience) that the best way to get what what you want is to know what you want. So far, the guy you've been with seems to have most of the qualities you want, minus one: The ability or the inclination to make a commitment.

If you decide to stop seeing him, I don't know that you have to make a big announcement about it. You might just taper off your calls and visits. If you decide to keep seeing him, ask yourself if your passion for him will hinder you from moving on to someone else who's hoping to meet a woman he can love and marry.

So, let's work on meeting that guy.

First, get over the belief that there's not another man out there for you. There is.

Then write an affirmation which includes the qualities you want in that man:

"I, _________________, am happily married to a faithful, fun, passionate, intelligent, (fill in the blanks) who loves me and never lets me forget it."

And feel it that "reality" with all your senses.

Then act "as if:" What would your day look like if you were with such a person? More important, what would it feel like? What would it be like to wake up beside this person in the morning? What would you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Touch?

You'll find that, with practice, your imagination will fill in the details. As time goes on, you'll convince your subconscious that this new man and this relationship is real in your life--and then watch out!

You've been wise to keep yourself busy by dancing with your friends, doing something you love, but why not shake things up a bit and add something new to your routine, as well. Why not check out an open mic night at a coffee shop or become a regular in a bookstore cafe? The great thing about bookstores: You will look perfectly normal hanging around there on your own.

By all means, keep dancing. But remember that wonderful men can show up anywhere: in the supermarket, at the bank, at the cleaners. Wonderful men can also turn out to be the friends, cousins, and brothers of the people you meet in those places.

So, be sure to spread love, kindness, and good humor as you go about your day. It will come back to you in kind.

Above all, don't worry about being 50. If you keep yourself in good shape and radiate a youthful attitude (and apparently you do), nobody really cares. If you're young at 50, chances are you're going to be young at 60, 70, and 80. (This will remain to be seen of a 30-year-old, who may think herself into old age by 40.)

Keep loving yourself, loving others, and getting out of the house, and you'll do just fine.

P.S. This just in: Check out Jeannette Maw's Good Vibe Blog to find out what Oprah had on her vision board. What a great Story!