How to Instantly Turn Him Off

Aside from women who immediately slip cell phones on restaurant tables, men complain about women with chips on their shoulders.

Sure, a lot of of us have been burned (let's face it, a lot of men have been burned, too), and we don't want to get fooled again, but when we interrogate a guy about his past (as opposed to keeping our eyes and ears open and gently getting to know him over time), it's a total turn-off.

Ask yourself: How would you like it if you dated a man, and he went on about how "all women do this," and "well, that's the way you women are," and, "Why did you break up with your last boyfriend? Didn't he make enough money for you?"

Nobody likes to be treated like a user or foreign species. We're all human, so approach a new man as you would a potential new friend. Take the pressure off.

Does this mean that the guy isn't out for himself? Isn't a total creep? A player?

Of course not. He may very well be a creep and a player, but, again, keep your eyes and ears open. Do his actions match his words, for example? Is he checking out every woman who walks through the door?

No need to interrogate. Watch.

The last thing you want to do is turn off a loving, loyal, passionate, successful, fun guy because you've been burned before.

I mean, who hasn't been?

He's Perfect (On Paper)

Question:

Been seeing Mr. Perfect On Paper: shared interests, activities, achievements, values.

But neither of us seems passionate about getting physically involved, and I don't feel -- and I guess he doesn't either -- that it's just awful to part at the end of an evening or a day together. We're both 60ish, were in 25-year marriages that ended (obviously): are we just gun-shy and holding back, or is this just not the relationship we need?

-Anonymous, please

-Dear Anonymous-

It sounds to me like you've met the perfect man to be your friend.

You seem to have a lot in common, so I don't see the harm of spending time together, but it seems that you're just not attracted to each other. Attraction is vital to a romantic relationship.

Is it possible attraction will develop?

Sure. Definitely. But it's also possible it won't. As long as you and your friend are having fun together, why not hang around with each other long enough to find out?

"Over 90% of Attraction is Based on How You Feel About Yourself"

So says Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, who'll once again offer her popular Flirt School on April 18th in spectacular Shelton, Connecticut (well, we're hoping Shelton will be spectacular by April 18th. It's been a ridiculously long winter).

I've heard Ronnie speak. Not only does she give excellent tips for getting out and meeting people (and, more importantly, feeling comfortable doing it), she's highly humorous. So, you'll have a good time.

If you can't be in Connecticut on the 18th, check out Ronnie's book, MANifesting Mr. Right, where she tells how she met her Mr. Right after age 40, and how you can meet yours at any age.

If you can be in Connecticut (somebody really should offer me a job with the tourism office), here are the details:

Saturday, April 18th 9am - Noon Shelton, CT
Location information supplied with completed registration.

Early Bird Registration (before April 8th): $35
(Late registration: $45)
Includes Ronnie's book, MANifesting Mr. Right, or any audio program of your choice.

Register online here, or call Ronnie at 203-877-3777.

Is This It? She Wants to Feel More of an Attraction

Dear Terry,

You are so incredibly sweet and sound so genuine. I truly appreciate how much care and dedication you put in your writing. I wish you all the succcess in the world!

I have a question which I'm sure you have an answer for. You see, I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man! I love him dearly. He has so many wonderful qualities, not to mention being an excellent cook and musician. I know you always tell us "not to settle," which is excellent advice, and I don't think I'm necessarily settling in this instance (although I could be wrong), but one question pops up in my mind which I've been concerned about.

I have used the law of attraction to attract my honey; however, in that process I didn't always feel a surge of romantic passion emerge. Since God has blessed me with this wonderful person, my attraction towards him has grown considerably; however, it's weak in comparison to the attraction I've felt towards men who haven't treated me nicely in the past.

Do I have this relative feeling of low romance towards him because of my own insecurities? I think that I'm going through a transition phase at the moment, hence why I was able to attract this great guy into my life, but what I need to work on is loving myself more. In that case, do you think my attraction towards who I think is Mr. Right will continue to grow? I feel so silly for asking this since it seems like I've already figured it out but I just want a confirmation from someone who seems to have her act together in this area.

Also, do you have any suggestions, or is wanting to feel greater attraction for your significant other an act of settling? Though I don't think it is, any help on this matter is greatly appreciated. Also, I really do want to make this relationship work because I believe it's the right thing to do-we both share the same aspirations, attitude towards life, and like I said I do love him dearly. It's just that I want to feel a greater depth of attraction!

-Confused

Dear Confused:

Thanks for the extremely kind words.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your attraction to men who didn't-- or don't-- treat you well. In a lot of cases, women do find themselves drawn to substandard men because they suffer from low self-esteem. Other women suffer from plain old fear of commitment. They dig bad boys because on a subconscious level, they know they'll never have to look at him every day for the rest of their lives.

So, now you have a happy relationship with a man with whom you have a lot in common. He treats you well. You love him. But still you have this nagging feeling: Is this all there is? And why am I still thinking about So-and-So?

Let me be clear about settling. I wouldn't settle for a man who doesn't love me. I wouldn't settle for a man I don't love. I wouldn't settle for a man to whom I'm attracted but mistreats me.

If you love this guy, and he loves you, and your attraction is growing, keep going. See where you're headed. It's not settling.

But ask yourself if you'd like him better if he treated you worse. Really think about this. You certainly wouldn't be the first person saddled with the I-Refuse-to-Join-Any-Club-That-Would-Have-Me-as-a-Member Syndrome.

If you decide you suffer from it, do this: Imagine yourself married to one of the yo-yos you mistreated you. Bring to mind all the things you did not like about him (you know, the ones we conveniently forget when we're in the throes of a pleasant memory). Perhaps he used to go around with hair coming out of his ears, or he liked to make up his own words. Or something. You get the idea.

How would you like waking up to that for the rest of your life? Or going to bed wondering if he and his hairy ears are ever coming home?

If you decide you don't suffer from the I-Refuse Syndrome, ask yourself if you harbor reservations about long-term relationships or marriage. A lot of us do and don't even realize it. We just walk around wondering why we keep being attracted to unsuitable guys.

Ask yourself, "What would marriage look like on a day-to-day basis?" This'll help you figure out if you fear ending up horribly bored, abused, or a miserable chain-smoker in track pants like Aunt Louise. Do some digging to root out any nagging concerns that could be distracting you from your current relationship.

Examine the horrifying scenarios you come up with, and then ask yourself, "Is something like this guaranteed to happen? Can something better happen? What would it be?" And focus on that. Some people are happily married all their lives. Is it possible that you and this fellow could be two of those people?

Finally, you say that your attraction is growing for him. So give it time. What's the rush? Maybe your attraction for him will keep growing. Or maybe you'll decide that he'd make a great friend, and your relationship will turn out to be a dress rehearsal for something else.

Again, give it time. By all means, work on loving yourself more. (And if we all work on being more loving in general, the world will be a better place.)

Take your relationship day by day. Enjoy it. Let it become what it will be. Above all, stop worrying so much about it.

Have fun.

-Terry