All the Single Ladies: Have You Heard This One Lately?

Has this ever happened to you?

You're out having fun (at a family party, a barbecue, a reunion, whatever), and somebody (an aunt, a cousin, an individual you put up with in college but didn't really like) will slide up and inquire:

Are you seeing anybody?

or

Any prospects?

or

Do you think you'll ever get married?

And suddenly you're on the defensive, thinking of ways to convince this person that you're not defective, that you are actually a happy, successful, fully-functioning adult. (Shouldn't it be a crime in 2010 for people to demand from you why you're single and what you plan to do about it?)

The real problem here is that the question can often make the happiest, most successful, confident person feel somewhat...none of those things. But if it's asked of you, please know that many of your interrogators are unhappy in their own relationships. They may very well you resent you for the freedom being single gives you. So...

ALWAYS CONSIDER THE SOURCE.

In the case of people who truly care about you and "just want you to to be happy," smile and say, "Oh, I'm much too young to get married" when they start making inquiries.

SAY THIS EVEN IF YOU'RE SEVENTY.

I dislike the pressure people put on singles to "hook up" mainly because it can push those singles to date whatever comes along or -- worse -- put up with substandard behavior from a guy because they're "not getting younger" and they "need to stop being so picky."

(Definition of picky: Rejecting a loyal, loving, reliable, successful, fun man because he doesn't meet a height requirement. Or because he's bald. Or because you don't like his car. Face it, you gotta give a guy a chance.

Definitely not the definition of picky: Rejecting a guy who treats you poorly, demonstrates undesirable behavior, or is just wrong for you. Face it, you have to be attracted to a guy for a relationship to flourish.)

My advice to you is to love yourself. Take excellent care of yourself. Practice self-love, and you'll become irresistible to those who are capable of loving you and caring for you. You'll also drive people who want you to feel "less" because you don't have a man out of their tiny minds.

In Some Relationships, There's Abuse and Then There's Abuse

Rihanna and Chris Brown are still big news here in the States.

Allegedly, Brown beat Rihanna, and she had to be had to be hospitalized. Now, according to reports, she's taken him back, and they're going to record a duet together.

It's dumbfounding. The girl's on top of the world (huge record sales, makes loads of money advertising products), and she's going to waste time with a guy who hit her?

While Brown's alleged treatment of his girlfriend is clearly abuse, a lot of times, women date men who hurt them in much subtler ways. These guys play head games, manipulate, cheat, tell the girlfriend she's "fat" or "ugly," and that nobody else will want her.

Other men try to separate girlfriends from friends and family in order to gain control over them. Some pester their girlfriends by cellphone, texting and calling constantly (even while they're at work, jeopardizing their jobs!), to keep tabs.

Other subtle forms of abuse: deliberately and repeatedly ogling other women, or comparing the girlfriend to other women in a way that demeans her and makes her feel insecure and unattractive. Still other ways include refusing to compliment her on her achievements, or to even notice them.

If you're in a relationship with a guy who repeatedly and deliberately makes you feel bad about yourself or tries to control you, tread carefully. This person may light you up every once in a while by assuring you how much he "needs" you and "loves" you, but his behavior has nothing to do with love.

Take a step back. Ask yourself, "Would I treat a person I love like this?" And then ask yourself, "Would a guy who genuinely loves a woman treat her like this?"

The correct answer is "no."

Here's the thing: You do not need a boyfriend like this. You will be better off on your own. Forget about not wanting to be single. You will be better off single.

Yes, the pressure to "be in a relationship" can sometimes be overwhelming. But, please know this: The only way you'll ever attract a man who'll love you properly is to love yourself first. And a woman who hangs around with a man who habitually hurts her doesn't love herself. She'd be better learning to love herself, be happily single, and open to meeting a man who will treat her well.

You're too smart to live your life looking over your shoulder.

How to Deal with a Guy Who Distances Himself

Terry,

What do you think is the most constructive way to deal with distancing behaviour from a guy? He says he has some personal issues to sort out, and he does want to see me, but not yet.

I have given him the space he needs and cut contact completely. I have put myself back on the dating scene again.

If he does call in the future, I dont want to play games, but I am going to be somewhat unavailable.

Do you agree, and how do you do this well?

Sian

Hello, Sian-

Congratulations on getting back on the dating scene. Pat yourself on the back for avoiding contact. You're not waiting around for this guy, and that's a very good thing indeed. Your behavior demonstrates self-resepect, and that's attractive.

If the guy should call you again, I definitely understand your reluctance to play games (it falls under the Golden Dating Rule of "Treat him as you would have him treat you, and if he doesn't treat you as you would treat him, hit the highway).

However, if and when this man comes around, being less available is not playing games. He hasn't earned any rights to your time. Playing games entails looking hard to get. The key is to actually enjoy a full life by making plans with friends, dating other guys (as you're already doing), and keeping busy doing things you love.

Let Mr. Not-Ready-to-See-You earn your attention.

Remember this: Every human being, man or woman, wants to date a prize. Nobody wants to date the person who jumps when the phone rings. By keeping busy, you've eliminated the possibility of being that person.

Now...

I realize that this sounds just dandy, but it doesn't mean much when you obviously like this guy, and he's made himself unavailable.

It hurts.

And it's possible that you can't fully enjoy the other guys you're dating while your heart is set on this fellow who may or may not get around to making you a priority.

The best advice I can give you here is -- and please don't gag --to work on loving yourself. I am dead serious.

You may be thinking, hey, I do love myself. Well, that's probably true to some extent, but love yourself some more. When you love yourself, the good things you attract will amaze you.

It's possible this guy who currently eludes you will pick up on your heightened self-regard and recognize you for the good thing you are. Or, it's possible you'll lose interest (painlessly) in him altogether, and you'll fall for another guy who's totally into you and never lets you forget it.

Now how do you reach these new heights of self-love, you ask? Well, I strongly suggest you start repeating this very effective affirmation:

"I, Sian, deeply and completely love and accept myself."

If you say it as you're looking in the mirror, I suspect it will freak you out. And that's a good thing because you'll realize that you have a little work to do in the self-love department. Keep it up.

Repeat it out loud (privately!) at least 25 times a day. You will feel a shift in your feelings and behavior in a week or so. What's more, you'll see a shift in the circumstances and people you attract.

If I haven't convinced you to try it, please consider this: It's been said that you cannot really love someone else until you love yourself, but I've found that no one else can love you until you love yourself, either.

You deserve the very best in life, Sian, and I suspect you already know that's quite a bit more than a guy who wants to see you, "but not yet."

Go for it.