She Doesn't Want Him to Think She's a Slut

Hi, Terry-

I am a 33-year-old woman who was in a 13-year relationship that is not working out. I want to try to start dating again.

I met this guy who I liked and hung out with him and some other friends. We somehow got separated from the friends and ended up at his house. Of course, he wanted to have sex. I was not sure if it's ok to have sex being with someone the first time. Or should I wait? We were kissing and touching and things got heavy, but I put a stop to it. I don't want him to think I am a tease. My question is, is it ok to have sex on the first date or on the first time meeting? Would he think that I am a slut or too easy? If you can please answer my question, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

-Not a Slut

Dear Not-

You've been out of the dating scene since you just left your teens, so it's new and unfamiliar territory.

Here are some things you need to know:

-When you meet a new man, and his goal is to have sex (as opposed to spending time and getting to know you), he may be especially charming and "somehow separate" you from other people so that he can have sex with you.

-Whether it is okay to have sex with a person you just met is entirely up to you, but first you might want to find out if he takes regular showers, is free of disease, and possesses a soul.

-You should never worry about a man you had sex with thinking you're a slut. He had sex with you, too. Do you think he's a slut? A man who would have sex with you and call you a slut is a hypocrite. Discard him immediately.

You say you want to start dating again. What's your goal? Do you want to meet a man you can love and spend the rest of your life with? Or do you want to take time off from serious relationships and just play the field for a while?

While it's possible to find love after sex on a first meeting, it usually doesn't happen. People tend to get freaked out about what they should expect and how they should behave. So, if it's a relationship you want, hold off on the sex. Get to know the guy.

Make sure he's even worth your time.

Book Review: Don't Ever Call Me, Ma'am!

I never get it when people, particularly women, worry about their age.

I don’t understand why they consider themselves less attractive or less valuable or less anything as they get older. It’s been my experience that people with a few years under their belts are funny, smart, and interesting (well, usually).

So when a book comes along to assure me that life begins at 40, I’m like, “No kidding.” You’re preaching to the choir.

But then I read my mail. I get email from women who tell me they might as well have dropped dead at 40. Men don’t want them. Employers don’t want them. The only person who does want them is the plastic surgeon.

(Again, personal experience shows me something else. A good friend, who’s 44 with two children, attracts a ridiculous number of men ranging in age from 20 to 60. Two years ago, she set her sights on a certain position in a certain location - and got it. Still has it, too.)

But if you’re a woman who fears 40, I do recommend Linda Franklin’s Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am! The Real Cougar Handbook. The first Canadian woman to own a seat on the New York Stock Exchange, the woman’s got a winning attitude whether she’s writing about success or relationships.

Here’s Franklin’s take on men:

"While it may be true that more women over 40 are enjoying relationships with younger men, they aren’t putting themselves on the auction block to do it. Don’t believe for a minute that a Real Cougar is a lonely predator skulking in dark bars preying on younger men. She is definitely not the cartoon character that too many make her out to be. Undoubtedly, this negative image was concocted by the overly testosteroned fantasy world of our male population. Let’s face it: Women are still the prime target for the good old boy’s double standard. And the only way we’re going to change that is to continue to excel doing it our way.”

The book includes a how-to chapter on dating and relationships, guest-written by dating coach and author Ronnie Ann Ryan (full disclosure: Ronnie’s a competitor of mine who’s now a friend). The book also features Franklin’s easy-to-follow advice on managing one’s finances and her success plan for achieving goals (with a very inspiring story about how one woman set out to become a best-selling author and became one). There’s also a chapter on sex, amusingly titled, “Sex Is Not a Job.”

Fore more information on Linda Franklin and Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am!, check out The Real Cougar Woman.