Meet 50 Men in 100 Days?

Yikes!

That's the challenge my friend and colleague, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, posed to her clients over the summer.

I'm on the shy side (seriously, I spent much of freshman year in high school practicing looking people in the eye), so the idea of meeting 50 new people in such a short time sounds daunting, but Ronnie reports that women experience remarkable shifts in their beliefs and behaviors when it comes to meeting and interacting with men.

Over coffee yesterday, she explained, "The challenge is to meet 50 men in 100 days. A simple conversation counts. The idea is to get women open to meeting men, approaching them, talking to them, flirting with them and taking a risk. Plus, when you talk to that many men, you just start to feel more alluring and better about yourself."

Because the first challenge was so successful, she's going to launch another one beginning September 28th. The cost of the program includes:

-Five one hour group coaching sessions (9/28, 10/19, 11/9, 11/30, and 12/14 from 8:00-9:00pm ET)

- Once weekly emails to answer participants' questions between phone sessions

- Ronnie's audio program I Believe, Affirmations to Attract Love Now

- Her how-to book MANifesting Mr. Right .

Register by September 14th for a considerable discount. For more information, click here.

For more about Ronnie's book, MANifesting Mr. Right, click here.

How Often Should a Man Call?

Terry-

How often should a guy call in the begining...after 1 or 2 dates?
How would I know if it is getting to be serious? Should I ask him our 4th date?

-Just wondering

Dear Wondering-

I wouldn't start counting calls after one or two dates. If he calls, and you like him, make plans to go out. After one or two dates, you should be getting to know him, not pinning your hopes on marrying or "getting serious" with him.

I definitely would not ask a guy his intentions on the fourth date. It's possible he's still doing what you should be doing; i.e., getting to know an attractive new person.

You can pretty much tell that someone has decided to take things to the next level when he calls to get together as often as possible (as opposed to merely texting you or calling to vent about his day). The man will leave little doubt in your mind that he wants to be in your company.

He will communicate his affection for you clearly. If he starts thinking about commitment, believe me, he'll let you know. He won't risk letting you think he doesn't care and losing you!

In the meantime, keep your options open. Keep dating. Meet new people. Who knows? You might meet someone you like even better than this guy.

Yes!

So, instead of focusing on the frequency of his phone calls and how soon you can get him to commit to you, sit back and decide whether or not he's truly the kind of person you want to spend your time with. Worry less about what he thinks about you and more about what you think about him.

Besides, if he picks up the vibe that you're focused on landing some man, rather than getting to know and perhaps developing a real and lasting affection for him, you very well may send him screeching in the other direction.

Easy Does it When it Comes to Affirmation and Visualization

Hello Terry,

Reading your ebook, I had some questions about setting a wedding date. I think for now, I have to start from the ground up and focus on internalizing the belief that I am okay just the way I am (don't need to be skinnier, more successful, etc., to attract a good guy). Perhaps when I am sure about this, it will become easier for me to believe that I'll actually find someone for me. One step at a time?

-Curious


Hello, Curious-

The most important step is to picture the end result you desire. Setting a wedding date helps because it helps you stay focused on your goal, but you can supplement it by picturing other goals, too (moving into your first house together, dancing at your 15th wedding anniversary), and let things fall into place from there.

Keep visualizing and feeling yourself with this person you are putting together in your imagination (based on the qualities you've listed, a man who loves you just as you are. Be open to the possibility that a man exists who will love you just as you are. If you're not open to this possibility, ask yourself why).

In the meantime, use an affirmation ("I, ____________, deeply and completely love and accept myself"). Take care of your appearance, absolutely, but please know that being a size 0, making a million dollars a year, and being the best-looking woman in the room have very little to do with attracting and keeping the right guy.

If you're going to read women's magazines, please do so only to get ideas about clothing you might like to buy, not about what you should look or be like to make yourself worthy of marriage or a steady boyfriend. If you find yourself feeling inadequate after reading women's magazines (and who doesn't?), you may be better off taking fashion clues from mail order catalogs.

If the idea of setting a wedding date scares you, ask yourself why. Write all your fears down. Face them head on. Are they rational or irrational? If they're rational, can they be avoided? If they can't be avoided, what's the worst that could happen?

Remember, easy does it. Whatever you do, don't put undue pressure on yourself about doing things "right." List the qualities you'd like in a man, write your affirmations and visualize, identify and face your fears, and remind yourself that you're okay the exactly the way you are.

Terry

Satisfying Relationships Require Compromise, Not Ultimatums

Hi Terry,

I have just discovered your blog and I love it! It is great how you empower women and share their struggles and show that yes, in fact, we can find the right one.

I am one of the many who are still searching for Mr. Right. I thought I had the right guy, but, things ended in a fury of disappointment, sadness, and mislead expectations. What is your opinion on ultimatums? You have mentioned the woman giving the ultimatum about marriage, but this is the man giving an ultimatum.

The man I was dating was what I thought of as "the one." We met in graduate school, and he is from one part of the US, and I am from another(near where we went to school). We had dated about one year, and it was pretty serious. We contemplated marriage and had looked at engagement rings, etc. We both are very close with our families, and I knew that after school, he wanted to move back to his hometown to eventually take over the family business and help out his aging parents (he is the only one).

I understood his reasons, and know that they are very important to him. We had all sorts of fun together over the past year, but, as time went on, it was clear he was moving back to his town, and wanted me to move there, as well. I considered the idea, had some reservations about when I would see my family, what compromises he would make for me, etc. I chose to look into the move, researched apartments, jobs, etc.

The problem was, I never felt supported and did not feel that he really understood what a HUGE undertaking it would be for me to move my entire life, start a new career, and have to make all new friends down in a new town and culture, when he was going back to his old friends and life. He wasn't putting himself in my shoes. We started fighting a lot, and everytime I tried to discuss things, it would be the same argument over and over again.

I tried to make him see that I was willing to move there, but I needed to feel that he was supportive of me, and that he would commit to me, not just the zip code we were moving to. He told me he never could even consider moving to another place even if I didn't like the area (I didn't think I wouldn't like it, but, I had to see both sides of it). Basically, I needed to know that he would be there for me, and that if the tables were to turn, he would do the same for me. I never quite felt that from our discussions and arguments.

He even went as far as buying a house to "surprise" me with, saying it was "for us," etc. In our fights, he didn't fight fair...he was always trying to make me feel bad for not moving, making sarcastic comments about my family and how I "would never leave them," etc. He said that he was going to be in his home city, and if I wasn't going to be there, he needed to "move on."

I was so shocked by all of this, because for the first 9 months of our relationship, it was great. He never treated me like that. Anyway, this fighting went on for a couple of months, and I could tell he was distancing himself, he wasn't telling me the normal everyday things in our life, etc. I finally brought it up again, and he eventually gave me an ultimatum in the middle of yet another fight, saying if I didn't move there, we were over.

I mulled over it for 2 weeks....because, I was willing to move, the city was wonderful, I loved the area, I knew we were considering marriage, and I knew that you have to give of yourself in a marriage. All of the other things added up in the relationship...he was funny, nice (when we weren't fighting), had money, got along well with my family and friends. I ended up breaking it off with him, because I felt like it was all about his life, and his plan, and then he wanted me to be the "girl" to fit in the picture. We went back and forth in "discussions" for the next month and a half while broken up...and I was miserable. He had moved 2 months before we broke up, and was going on with his life.

I was so upset that I went down there after a month of being single (because he asked me to), to see if we could work things out. He said he had thought a lot about things, and was wanting to work it out. Well, I went down there, and nothing had changed, he still had the same thoughts about everything. I came back, and sent him a letter explaining my feelings and how I love him, but, I cannot be with someone who said he won't compromise for my happiness, if I should need it, down the road. I never heard back from him in and it's been over a month and I'm upset all the time. I wonder if I made a mistake...I wonder that if I had just moved there, would things have been fixed and we would be just like we had been before? I am on my own now, starting a new job in a new town (still in the area where we attended school) and I am so lonely, I am upset a lot.

I miss him, but I wonder, why didn't he fight for me? Why did he have to give me the ultimatum? If I was really the one he wanted to marry and live with for the rest of his life, why would he just let me go? I was willing to move there, but, I couldn't get him to understand that I needed his support and love for moving there, instead of fighting with me and ultimatums. If you could offer any advice, I would be greatly appreciative.

Thanks,
-A

Dear A-

Thanks for the very kind words.

I don't like ultimatums, no matter who's delivering them. They tend to be used by controlling people, and I'd say your ex-boyfriend definitely qualifies as controlling (Exhibit A: that scary little detail you included about him surprising you with a house).

I'm very sorry about your situation. You obviously loved this guy a great deal, and it hurts when things don't work out the way they could have (if only the guy had his head on straight). I'm sending good thoughts your way.

But I have to congratulate you for your excellent instincts and also for having the sense to follow them. Another person in your situation would have told herself she was being selfish or silly, and besides, the guy makes great money so she might as well be grateful and go for it.

You did the wise thing.

If you'd ignored that clanging bell in your head and followed him down to his great life in his great town and his great friends, sooner or later you'd be kicking yourself. His sarcastic comments about your family (you know, those people you love and would no longer be able to see) would come back to haunt you. They would eat you from the inside out.

And if you didn't find a job you loved, or if you didn't make friends as easily as you'd hoped, you'd be sorry about that, too. You would rightfully start to resent this man for snatching you away from everything you held dear, and you would probably begin to hate him.

Sure, it's possible you could temporarily distract yourself by fixing up a house and raising a couple of kids, but soon enough it would burn you that your old friends wouldn't be able to visit your house. And you'd hate it that your family would have to watch your children grow up through emailed photographs.

I don't know why this guy didn't fight for you, but be glad he showed his limitations now instead of later. Can you imagine being married to him and having life be all about him, him, him? His career, the restaurants where he wants to eat, the friends he wants to see?

What a drag.

You're lonely now and perhaps feeling a bit off your game while starting a new job. Please know that eventually the job will get easier. You will feel more comfortable among your new colleagues. You still have your family, and you will make new friends.

You are beginning a new adventure in life, which blessedly does not involve entanglement with a person who consistently puts his wants and needs and happiness above your own. You know that you can do better than him. In time, your strength and confidence will return. You will likely attract men who make your happiness a priority because you will give off a vibe that will let them know that you're not one to waste time with people who don't.

You deserve a pat on the back. I wish you the best in everything life has to offer.

Visualizing for Lasting Love and Romance

Hello, Terry!

I am reading your book and making my "list" right now. I am trying to express "no baggage," "no children," and "no alimony" in a positive way, as you recommended. How would you express this on a list of qualities I'm looking for?

I'm 33 and looking for someone around 3 to 5 years older or younger than me. Is it too hopeful to find a guy in this age bracket without baggage, alimony, or children?

Also, my list has 24 items - is that too much for a list of what I want in a man? My friends tell me that I should not try to find everything I want in one man.

Thank you very much for your help!

-S.

Hello, S.-

I definitely don't think it hurts to write 24 things down on your list. There's no guarantee you'll get everything on it, but it is extremely helpful in getting the important qualitities in a man that will make you happy. It helps you recognize the right man when he shows up. It also helps you eliminate men who will never make you happy.

Be very relaxed when you write your list, and be relaxed as you go about your day. You don't have to look for a man who has the qualities you want; just having those qualities rambling around the back of your mind will make it more likely that man who possesses them will appear in your orbit (and, again, that you'll even be aware of him).

Is it too hopeful to find a man in your desired age bracket? Absolutely not. My sister married a 31-year-old man when she was 35. A good, handsome, well-employed male friend of mine dated a 38-year-old when he was 34 (they broke up because she wasn't ready to get married). He's since moved on and is now happily engaged to someone else who is four years younger than he is. He says that age isn't an issue; compatibility, values, and the ability to have fun are.

As for the wording of your affirmation, you want to narrow it down to express the essence of the qualities you consider critical. You could write something like:

"I, S___________, am happily married to a successful, fun man my age who is utterly devoted to me and to our future together."

He can't be utterly devoted to you and your future if he's encumbered with children, ex-wives, and alimony, can he? This affirmation implies that he's free on all fronts.

It's really important that when you visualize you imagine yourself having fun together alone. Maybe you're in his arms, in front of a fire at a ski resort. Or maybe you're in a playground together, and he's pushing you on a swing in the rain. Bring your senses into the visualization. Smell the laundry soap in his shirt when you put your head on his shoulder. (Putting on your favorite music really helps during these exercises!)

What kinds of things do you like to do? Visualize yourself doing them with this man (and remember, physical details will be sketchy in the beginning. Keep it up; they'll start to fill themselves in.) Blanket yourself in this man's love. What happens next will amaze you.

Good luck and thanks for writing!

Terry

Maybe You're a Late Bloomer

For the past couple of weeks, I've read all sorts of nastiness about Madonna turning 50, but I'll bet she looks a helluva lot better (and is a helluva lot healthier) than the younger people writing that nonsense. She'll probably outlive them, too.

Interestingly, my health-minded friend, Kristen Colello, just tipped me off to a blog by Prill Boyle, a late-bloomer who graduated from college at the age of 38, became an English teacher, and has since written a book detailing the achievements of other late-blooming women entitled Defying Gravity.

Whether you're 20 or 80, check out the blog. I think you'll enjoy it (especially if you're like a friend of mine, who thought she was old at 24). It's definitely more uplifting than getting a facelift.

Stop Dating Time-Wasters

Hi, Terry-

Thanks for the wonderful words aimed at empowering us women to stand up for ourselves and not let men walk over us.

Kindly advise! What is your opinion of men who make promises and never fulfills them? lI met a man who promises to do things for me and ends up not doing anything. He promised to buy me presents for my birthday, but when the day finally came, he didn't even call, let alone buy a single present or card.

He calls to say he is coming to see me, and then he goes quiet and doesn't even call to cancel or apologise. He will call after a few days to say hi and act like all is ok. I similarly met a man who refused to let me visit him at his house. After that, I concluded, he is not worth it.

Regards and thanks once again for all you do!

-Disappointed

Hello, Disappointed-

Here's my opinion of the guy who promises to go all-out for your birthday, and then never even calls: He's bad news. Lose him.

If the jerk calls again acting as if everything's okay (cute trick, by the way), let him know he's out of luck by firmly but gently telling him that you're no longer interested in hearing from him. Say goodbye and hang up. If he calls again, don't pick up the phone.

As for the guy who won't let you visit him at home, you rightly concluded that he's not worth it. Best case scenario: He's married. Worst case: He's got bodies buried in his basement.

Your best bet is to eliminate time-wasters as soon as you spot them. How do you spot them? Their words fail to match their actions. Or they make unreasonable demands like, "Don't call me at home."

Spot 'em. Eliminate 'em. Make room for someone better.

Let that be your motto.